I generally hate mondays just like anyone else, and I heard on the radio today that this day (January 6th) was supposed to be the most depressing day of the year (via twitter posts, etc.). So, I guess, I'm not alone. I let the fear creep back in, my heart has been skipping beats all day and I keep looking out my window to see if my landlord is showing up with popo!
I did manage, however, to get on-line and do more research. Today, everyone of them led to a dead end. Section 8 housing in my area; closed indefinitely. The church that serves my area to help out with rent and utilities takes requests on the first and they are filled up for the month (come back Feb 1). I even tried some sites to help get my business back up and running like "fundme.com" and "kickstarter.com", but I really don't fit their criteria. No responses on the two "begging" sites I posted on. Lawyer couldn't meet with me today so I got all my bills together for tomorrows meeting. Not a very productive day. Tried to keep my spirits up and think of something positive to say on here. Let's face it, some days, you just can't lift yourself up. You know, that's ok too. We are not superwomen. We are human and fear and anxiety were instilled in the human body for a reason. I think the reason for mine today was to scramble and try to start finding a new cheap place to live. Not very successful there either.
Maybe tomorrow I'll try to find a job. I've thought a lot about it (I'm almost 50 and have been making jewelry for the past 22 years), there has to be SOMETHING I can do. Waitress, bartend, dog walking? Maybe tomorrow I'll see where that takes me in this tiny town! I feel like a failure. Like everything I've worked so hard to build for so long, all my dreams are just slipping away, gone already and I can't do anything to get them back. I've been thinking a lot about the success I had as a jewelry designer, the crazy days and nights in LA. The magazines, celebrities, music videos, movies, films, music videos, TV shows...all gone. I don't mind that really, I just mind that I achieved all that and now I can't pay my rent.
Ok, well, I meant this blog to be inspiring, this post was the opposite of that, but it's honest. I put myself out there authentically. Maybe it's ok to post the negative too? I think if I read a blog that was all "keep your chin up" all the time I'd probably throw my computer out the window on days I felt like this and I can't pick my chin up off the ground! We're going to have bad days. It doesn't mean that tomorrow isn't going to be bright and shiny again. I hope you stay with me...I'm as curious as you to see if I end up homeless, or something grand happens.
Needing a friend and hope today,
xoxo C
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