MOVING: A difficult but necessary decision.

I just couldn't make it where I was.  I got the final eviction notice and had to go.  I thought long and hard about where to go.  Pensacola, FL was a choice.  My friend had just moved there and who doesn't want to live on white sand beaches and warm water.  Too far.  Houston, TX.  Started looking at houses to even buy there (so cheap!), but even a first time homebuyer loan would not fly with my bad credit.  Roseville, CA, cheap, beautiful, good schools, but HOT!  I thought if I'm going to live in heat why not check out Vegas?  I had a good friend there, she seems to like it, my step mom had just moved there and she was making things happen for herself there.  So I got on Craigslist and was shocked at just how cheap it was!  I was looking in Henderson which has good schools, very nice places for incredibly cheap prices!  So away we went.  Not much help in the way of moving, a few nice souls, but no calvary!  So as tough as it was, I endured it with every muscle aching, and the end result never leaving my mind!

We are now residing in an apartment complex with a waterfall pool, gym, sauna, Jacuzzi, and even a playground right outside our door.  A nice, clean, three bedroom two bath upstairs apartment with vaulted ceilings and central air!  992.00 a month includes water!

Business is painfully slow (as it usually is this time of year), so I have been looking and applying for part time work that gets me to my daughter at 2.  I found one that would be most ideal.  I have applied and am waiting to hear.  It has the potential of paying over 6,000.00 a month cash for 20 hours a week.  I know!  So, fingers crossed that i'm not too old for the job, I've sent in pics.  Hoping to hear soon!  My phone is shut off as well as my etsy (where I run my jewelry business), so it will have to be by email and hopefully my internet won't get shut off!

Funny, I reduced my expenses by almost a thousand a month, and I STILL can't make it!  But I will.  I just have to keep on trying, striving, thinking, praying, staying positive and living!

I hope you fellow single mothers out there are thriving!  Please comment and let me know how you are doing and how you are doing it!

Sometimes change is hope,
Christie

Trying not to live in fear when it's all crashing down.

It wasn't easy, but I finally got my car out of hock!  I can't believe they moved it just three days after repossessing it to Sacramento (just over a two hour drive from me).  I got the 1,472.00 needed to get the car back just one day before it was going up another 235.00.  Getting the money together was a lot easier then getting someone to drive me to Sacramento.  No one wanted to.  I don't blame anyone, but I have to think to myself.."How many times have I heard..." I'll do anything for you, just ask".".  Well, I asked, and got shot down again, and again and again.  Brianne and I were walking to the store.  It's NOT around the corner!  It's a busy  "highway" and no sidewalk.  Anyway, we got it back.  Now water is going to be shut off again and I am officially 120 days late in rent.

  I have to TRY to get out of bed in the morning.  I have to TRY to clean my house, I have to TRY not to just lay in bed all day, the depression is so bad.  The worst thing to have, however, is fear.  Fear can and will freeze you in your tracks.  It rises up so bad that the only thing you feel you can do is pull the covers over your head and hope it will go away.  Well, it won't.  It's been helping having aid from the state.  I get over 300 in food and 515.00 in cash aid.  It's not easy keeping it, the paperwork alone is a full time job!  My goal is, however, to get completely off of it.  I'm just not sure when, just as I am not sure when I can get off of these meds.  When "all is well".  Will that ever happen?

  I know there are others of you out there, struggling as I am, or are about to, or have.  Please feel free to vent on here with comments.  I don't want a pity party out of this, I am simply trying to share my experience and hope that with everything that I have gone through, one person won't feel alone, one person will seek the help I have sought out, and one person will make it out of their current situation.

  I saw in Redbook the other day an article on women who were making six figures working from home.  I have been working from home for almost 8 years.  Selling my jewelry on esty.  I now have an online clothing store and just signed up to be an Avon representative.  I cannot work a 9-5 desk job.  But I have found ways to make money and be home for my daughter and my sanity!  It's easier then ever.  Think about a craft, hobby, or skill that you could turn into a money making machine...all on line.  There was a woman in the article who was a virtual assistant!  Brilliant!  Right?  She booked appointments, travel, did on line shopping, all kinds of things including basic bookkeeping right from her couch!  There are sights you can go to that will help you start one of these, just bing it!  (I like bing these days...sorry google!)  Everything is done online now and so many people work from home, why not you?  Not to mention doing the research will keep the fear at bay!  Seek it out, check it out and get back to me.  Then I want 10%!  haha!  just kidding!  Kinda.

  Anyway, keep the fear at bay, it is non-productive.  Move always forward, and use that BING!

  Fear is not your friend, you and Bing are, so remember, you are not alone!

xoxo C

How can any of my friends or family possibly understand?

I don't talk much about my financial crisis.  Truly, people DO NOT get it.  I don't expect them to.  I gave up a long time ago expecting people to have compassion and understanding.  This has gone beyond worry.  It's sheer FEAR.  It's not just "oh, no, I'm late on my Neiman Marcus bill, I'm going to have to pay a higher interest rate", or "Crap, I'm 15 days late on my mortgage, what am I going to do?".  No, I've completely stopped paying all bills, most everything has been shut off except elec and water.  I haven't paid my rent in about 80 days and my car is repossessed.  The fact that when I'm home I lock myself in the bedroom and don't answer the door because I'm scared to death it will be the sheriff telling me I have 10 minutes to get out, is beyond worry.  It's funny to me if I do happen to mention to someone that I'm having difficulties and they blurt out, oh, I know, me too, I think I have to pull my daughter out of private school.  Really?  Really.  You've got to be kidding me.  So how can I express to anyone the fact that I am physically ill from the fear, having extreme panic attacks even though I'm heavily medicated?  I can't.  So most people I was closest to have turned away from me.  My mom, my brother, his family, my closest friends of 30 years.  But they don't even know the truth of what's going on with me.  So I face this alone.  With a smile on my face for everyone I see, with gratitude and faith that I will make it out of this.

But can I just say...I TRULY HATE mondays!

Believe in yourself and in God.  Things will change.

xoxo C

It gets harder before it gets easier...

I'm not sure how I've been smiling through all of this, but I have, and authentically.  I guess I have to try to make my daughter think that regardless of hard times, you can still keep a stiff upper lip and all that.  It is the truth.  I haven't written a blog in a while because there really wasn't much positive to say.  Most of my efforts to get help from "help" sources were a total wash.  There really isn't much out there.   I did get on medi-cal, food stamps and cash aid which has helped.  I have stopped paying all bills.  My water was shut off for five days, that was pretty terrible!  My electricity and gas got shut off, but I did get help there.  The city has a department whereas you show them you disconnect notice and proof of income, etc. they will pay it for you.  Which they did, so it got turned back on.  My cable, internet and phone got shut off, but I just use a neighbors wireless for internet and I found out, I really don't need cable as much as I thought I did!  My cell was shut off, but when I had a little money I found a cheaper (boost mobile) company and got a new phone (smart phone for 79.00 at boost). Of course no one knows my new number and I lost my 310 area code (darn it!!), but I like the fact that it never rings!  I really really do!

I guess the reason I finally am writing is my car got repossessed today.  It's going to cost over 1100.00 to get it back, guess they are going to have to keep it for a while because I haven't even paid half of January's rent, not to mention Feb. or March!  Finding neighbors to take my daughter to Girl Scouts tonight and school tomorrow.  Didn't have anything planned for the weekend anyway.  Let's see what monday brings!  I knew I should have bought lottery tickets last night!  Oh, right, I don't have any money!!   :O)

Had a bit of a panic attack, I'm better now.  I think the repo guy felt like crap, but he's got to be used to that right? 

I'm going to go lay down.

xoxo C

I have nothing to say...

If you have nothing nice to say, say nothing at all. 

I'm still here...

I'm not sure how, but I am not complaining!  Not a peep from my landlord.  I did send a text to her apologizing for being so late, thanking her for her patience, and promising some rent in a few days.  That was monday, still no rent deposited.  I have a large order I am waiting on that will pay for Novembers other half of rent and my water bill (it finally got turned off today).  Wait is all I can do.  Not getting a steady paycheck makes it hard to budget, but I keep the faith, the hope and work as hard as I can with social media to stir up interest in my line.

So, yes, the water is shut off.  The past two days I have been doing loads and loads of laundry, making sure all the dishes were done, filling all available vessels with water and doing all the cleaning that would need water.  Other than the toilet problem, I think we will be ok until I can come up with the now 570.00 to get it back on!  It's not the end of the world, just the end of running water, haha!

This will happen, I know it.  I am being tested and it's how I handle this that will determine the kind of person I teach my daughter to be.  Hopefully she'll make better decisions than I did, but I will remain strong for her, laugh for her, and apologize to her when I cry and let her know it's not her fault.

I'm finding a friend in myself and hope deep within.

xoxo C

I took a break from writing...

Thought I'd give you all a break from my life's tragedy!  The first of the first happened this morning, my cell phone was shut off.  I'm expecting the water to be shut off tomorrow.  I did get a few orders on etsy after paying over 400.00 to get it back on, but only around 200.00 or so so far.  I offered a 20% discount over the weekend.  I'm still hoping for Valentines orders to come rolling in, but at this point, I'm  so far in a hole, it would take a miracle to climb out of it.  I'm also expecting a visit from my landlord.  Bring on the tears and begging and promising!  So, that is why I haven't updated the blog.  Nothing too incredibly positive to talk about as of late.

I did get a hairbrain idea though.  I've decided to write a novel.  Doesn't that just sound so cliche'?  I do, however, have an amazing story though.  Not mine, really, even though people have told me I should write a book, but the parts that would make it most interesting I don't want anyone to know about!  I thought I would start it with me, just as a current reference point though.  The story would really be about the early beginnings of my family here in California and quite like the Kennedy's we seem to have had our share of tragedy in our generations.  The idea came because my father had given me his grandmothers ring a number of years ago while I was living in New York and I put it on recently.  I'm not sure why, maybe to get strength from it somehow, to feel like she was with me, fighting.  I never met her, my greatgrandmother.  She died giving birth to my grandfather at the age of 36.  Sad story, really.  I have known about it since I was a child, but as I passed that age, I thought about it more and more.  I'm named after her and so is my daughter.  Her name was Nano Hurley.  Nano Hurley Martin I should say and mine and Briannes middles names are Nano.  It's not just her ring I have, since I was a child I've owned the braid that was cut off of her on her death bed.  Seemed morbid to me then and probably does to you now, but I'm so honored to have it now.  She was a beautiful woman that was living in San Francisco as a single woman until she had to return to Central California to raise her younger siblings (all eight of them!)

So the story will go on after hers and on to her sons and his death (car accident in Tracy, California at the age of 24).  I think everyone has stories to tell, I just have the frame of mind to start writing it all down.  I'll keep you posted.  Even if nothing ever happens with it, it will be a nice thing for Brianne to have to hand down to her children.  Usually the fathers stories are told, rarely the mothers.  There is a book to be written about Briannes father too, maybe that will be my next great novel!

Listen, we have to find inspiration anywhere we can, if you don't do something, then you're doing nothing!  So do something.

I found a friend in writing and hope there too!

xoxo C