How can any of my friends or family possibly understand?

I don't talk much about my financial crisis.  Truly, people DO NOT get it.  I don't expect them to.  I gave up a long time ago expecting people to have compassion and understanding.  This has gone beyond worry.  It's sheer FEAR.  It's not just "oh, no, I'm late on my Neiman Marcus bill, I'm going to have to pay a higher interest rate", or "Crap, I'm 15 days late on my mortgage, what am I going to do?".  No, I've completely stopped paying all bills, most everything has been shut off except elec and water.  I haven't paid my rent in about 80 days and my car is repossessed.  The fact that when I'm home I lock myself in the bedroom and don't answer the door because I'm scared to death it will be the sheriff telling me I have 10 minutes to get out, is beyond worry.  It's funny to me if I do happen to mention to someone that I'm having difficulties and they blurt out, oh, I know, me too, I think I have to pull my daughter out of private school.  Really?  Really.  You've got to be kidding me.  So how can I express to anyone the fact that I am physically ill from the fear, having extreme panic attacks even though I'm heavily medicated?  I can't.  So most people I was closest to have turned away from me.  My mom, my brother, his family, my closest friends of 30 years.  But they don't even know the truth of what's going on with me.  So I face this alone.  With a smile on my face for everyone I see, with gratitude and faith that I will make it out of this.

But can I just say...I TRULY HATE mondays!

Believe in yourself and in God.  Things will change.

xoxo C

It gets harder before it gets easier...

I'm not sure how I've been smiling through all of this, but I have, and authentically.  I guess I have to try to make my daughter think that regardless of hard times, you can still keep a stiff upper lip and all that.  It is the truth.  I haven't written a blog in a while because there really wasn't much positive to say.  Most of my efforts to get help from "help" sources were a total wash.  There really isn't much out there.   I did get on medi-cal, food stamps and cash aid which has helped.  I have stopped paying all bills.  My water was shut off for five days, that was pretty terrible!  My electricity and gas got shut off, but I did get help there.  The city has a department whereas you show them you disconnect notice and proof of income, etc. they will pay it for you.  Which they did, so it got turned back on.  My cable, internet and phone got shut off, but I just use a neighbors wireless for internet and I found out, I really don't need cable as much as I thought I did!  My cell was shut off, but when I had a little money I found a cheaper (boost mobile) company and got a new phone (smart phone for 79.00 at boost). Of course no one knows my new number and I lost my 310 area code (darn it!!), but I like the fact that it never rings!  I really really do!

I guess the reason I finally am writing is my car got repossessed today.  It's going to cost over 1100.00 to get it back, guess they are going to have to keep it for a while because I haven't even paid half of January's rent, not to mention Feb. or March!  Finding neighbors to take my daughter to Girl Scouts tonight and school tomorrow.  Didn't have anything planned for the weekend anyway.  Let's see what monday brings!  I knew I should have bought lottery tickets last night!  Oh, right, I don't have any money!!   :O)

Had a bit of a panic attack, I'm better now.  I think the repo guy felt like crap, but he's got to be used to that right? 

I'm going to go lay down.

xoxo C